I Am the Father

    by Jordan Grumet

I am the father and have come to die, help me go in peace:

I am the doctor and I have known you for many years. The day I told you the diagnosis I watched you break down and cry right there in my office. I held your hand and told you everything would be okay but I didn’t know how. We fought together as a team. My patient, my fellow soldier in a losing battle I’ve done all I can. I hold your hands not only to comfort you but also to refrain what once I believed were hands only capable of healing. Before you I never realized that “to do no harm” meant admitting that the most sanctified of holy arts is often imperfect and helpless. I want to bring you peace. I yearn to erase the unfathomable gulf between two hearts, one of which will soon die and the other remains.

I am the father and have come to die, help me go in peace:

I am the wife and my heart is breaking with your every labored breath. When we said at the dawn of our voyage “till death do us part” I had no idea that the dusky shore was following so close beyond the horizon. Through the years of supporting you and giving you strength I developed an identity intimately touched by your life. How easy it was to think that you were the one who needed me. As I see the life slowly fade from your body I am aware of losing a wonderful part of myself. The light of my life is dimming and I am afraid of the dark. You were my constant companion through the years. We could win any battle as long as we fought together. The father of my children, the laughter behind my smile; I’m not ready for you to go. You ask for peace but I don’t know how to quite the torment engulfing my heart. I do not feel peace. I want to be strong but it takes all my energy to keep from breaking down. I want to shake you with all my might and yell at you for leaving me behind. I want to pick you up and cradle you in my arms and let my love heal you. Could my love heal you?

I am the father and have come to die, help me go in peace:

I am the son and also search for peace. Through all those years you took care of me and led my way. You fed my mind, heart, and soul as readily as my body. You sculpted me in the image of your god passing on everything in your heart that was most precious. There was no problem you couldn’t solve for me. There was nothing you weren’t willing to give. When disease overcame you I wrongly felt I could repay your never ending love. I sit by your side for endless hours, cleaning you, feeding you, anticipating your needs. I am now the father, you are now the son. I have lost my job, I am losing my family. I thought I was strong enough to care for you. I thought I could singlehandedly bear the weight of the world. I’m afraid this dreaded disease is taking my life as well as yours. I can’t do this anymore. How can one in search of life submerge himself in death?

I am the father and have come to die, help me go in peace:

I am the daughter and I haven’t seen you in ten years. As a child your presence itself was enough to make me hate you. I was never good enough; I never did the right thing. When I became an adult I ran as far away as possible. I built a life of my own. One in which you couldn’t invade. I cut you out with a sneer, always knowing deep down inside that it hurt; that one day I would have to address my feelings. Well, the day is now. Before I figured that I had more time. That if I put it off today there would always be tomorrow. Days turned into months, months into years, and before I knew it a decade past. I am aware that no story is truly one-sided and I regret never taking the time to listen to yours. I am sorry that you are going to die. Between you and me, the time for peace has come.

I am the father and have come to die and now I have found peace.

Under the weight of my sickly body my soul has emerged lucid and strong. My fear of death has been replaced with the wish that I may die with all the hope and dignity that I struggled to live life. I have replayed the story of my life over and over in my mind. I accept it as a battle littered with majestic happiness as well as painful sorrow. I have known the greatest love and the greatest hurt. I know I have found peace because inwardly I am very thankful, to have been a part of this wonderful dance we call life. Tomorrow when the doctor comes I will thank him for all he has done. I will tell my son to go home and take care of his family. The peace that he is looking for can only be found in his children. I will forgive my daughter and ask for her forgiveness. I will tell her that no matter how bad things were between us I always loved her. And lastly I will hold my wife in my arms and cry like the day she agreed to marry me. And then I will give up this fight and die the victor.

© 2011 Jordan Grumet

Jordan Grumet is an internal medicine physician and assistant professor at the University of Chicago.  His poetry has appeared in The Annals of Internal Medicine, The Journal of General Internal Medicine, and The Pharos.